I Saw The End Before It Began
by Anake14
Summary: Summary: At the end, Dean knew it was over. He was just waiting for Death. One that it seemed wouldn't come any time soon. EndVerse!Dean EndVerse!Cas
1. Chapter 1

I Saw The End Before It Began

Summary: At the end, Dean knew it was over. He was just waiting for Death. One that it seemed wouldn't come any time soon. EndVerse!Dean EndVerse!Cas

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.

Chapter 1: Confrontation

It hadn't seemed like the end. Not really. Not when it was happening. It was only after that it all fell apart. Of course it did. Dean didn't know why he had expected something different. It never made a difference. Not to anyone…well anyone but Dean.

He tried. Dean put everything he had into everything he did and it _never_ mattered. So he was tired and at the end of his rope. So maybe he did want to give up. That was life wasn't it? It got hard and rough and in the end you either keep fighting or you give up. Dean didn't want to fight anymore. Mostly because he didn't know what he was fighting for…but also because he was tired of being alone, he couldn't live like that anymore.

"Are you giving up so soon Dean?"

Dean cracked open his eyes. It didn't do much good, the sticky blood from the head wound preventing him from actually seeing anything. Not that it mattered. He knew the voice. It was Sam's, even if it was Lucifer driving the wheels.

"This isn't even fun anymore. I thought you'd provide more of a challenge. You and your rebels, even little Castiel had a role in all of this, but you, you're just going to lie there and give up?" Dean could hear the smirk in Lucifer's voice as he goaded him. "Why do you think you're still alive? You think it's because of God? Father doesn't care what happens to you humans, he doesn't care about his angels. He's letting us rip the world apart and won't interfere."

Dean jolted at that. He knew Lucifer was aware of him and his group. They were the last real resistance, but Dean had never questioned why.

"Now," Lucifer had a smile in his voice, and it bothered Dean more than the smirk, "now you can listen to all those people who put their faith in you die. They trusted you, made you their leader, and you…you pushed them away, led them like lambs to slaughter, even my rebellious little brother stayed by your side _knowing_ this was a suicide run."

Lucifer laughed. "You aren't dying Dean. No, you've been dead inside for too long."

The screams had died down. Lucifer watched as two demons brought out Castiel, still breathing, but injured. "You should have joined me when you had the chance little brother. You and Gabriel both."

That got a flinch from Castiel and surprised Dean enough that he opened his eyes a bit more. "Gabriel?"

"The Trickster. Loki. You turned him away. He went to you to help and you kicked him to the curb. I haven't seen him since our last little tiff, but I'll find him and this time I will kill him. He betrayed me in ways Michael hadn't, you know." The tone was almost conversational. "He was my beloved little brother, looked up to me, I taught him everything I know, and when I asked him to join me…well you know how it goes, don't you Dean. Sam took off first chance he got to get away from his family. I suppose it's our fault. Gabriel was always too emotional…attached."

"You don't know anything…" Dean ground out.

"Don't I?" the amused lilt in Lucifer's voice was quickly becoming grating.

"I'm having a thought here, Dean, why don't you pick up the gun and shoot me? You can't can you? You just want it all to end…and you Castiel. You fell for a human who doesn't even respect you. You put your faith in the wrong human little brother and now you'll pay for that too."

Lucifer snapped his fingers and the demons dropped Castiel right next to Dean who was quickly fading out as he tried to reach the Colt just so he could shoot the Devil and prove the bastard wrong. His fingers grazed the cool metal, but he had no grip.

"I'm not going to kill either of you. Death is a _mercy_. You can live. Live knowing _I_ spared your lives and that this world is in ruin because the both of you failed."

The sound of rustling feather's signaled Lucifer's departure. Castiel had already blacked out but Dean wanted to cry. This was his fault, but more than that it was also God's. God who had the same devil may care attitude as John Winchester, who abandoned his children without any other instructions other than the importance of family and to take care of each other. God who seemed to still manage to have favoritism among his creations even though he preached equal love for all…and that was why Dean could never get behind religion…his faith died with his mother.

Lucifer had had one thing right.

God had sat back and let the Apocalypse happen, but Dean had failed. As he blacked out Dean almost prayed he wouldn't wake up. But there was nothing worth praying for anymore and between God and His angels no one was listening anyway. Besides, Dean didn't have any hope or faith left in him.

A/N: I really shouldn't be doing this…but I had to get back into story writing. I'm sorry people from other fandoms who have liked my work. I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to update or work on other stories. This one can stand as a one shot but I do have ideas for other chapters if this receives a favorable response. I am working on my other stories though.


	2. Chapter 2

I Saw The End Before It Began

A/N: Officially going to be a multichapter fic and now includes Time Travel and a surprise guest in the next chapter.

Summary: At the end, Dean knew it was over. He was just waiting for Death. One that it seemed wouldn't come any time soon. EndVerse!Dean EndVerse!Cas

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural

Chapter 2: Back Where I Don't Belong

The high pitched frequency that caused the ringing in his ears made him groan in dismay as Dean realized that he had in fact survived.

The matching groan from Cas was only slightly comforting, not that they quite discussed what would happen if they had managed to survive the suicide run.

"Dean? Cas?"

Dean's eyes flew open as he caught the voice of Lucifer. He tried to sit up, but it seemed Cas had the same idea and their heads collided.

"Fuck," Cas groaned out as Dean grunted.

"Guys?"

"You stay there," Dean ordered. "Come any closer and I swear I'll shoot you with the fucking Colt."

"Woah, dude, it's just me, no need to get all shoot first, ask questions later."

"Cas?" Dean asked.

Cas squinted a bit. "You're still you, oh Fearless Leader, and I think I'm still me, but that's not _him_. It's Sam from what I can tell. Ish."

Dean scowled. "Ish? How the fuck can there be an _ish,_ Cas? He either is or he isn't."

Cas shrugged. "It's like you were you but not _now_ you."

"Guys? I'm standing right here…mind trying to make sense?" _Sam_ asked.

"Not really," Dean muttered, making Sam give him a bitchface.

"Seriously, Dean?"

Dean sighed and ran a hand down his face. "What year is it?"

"What?" Sam asked completely thrown by the change of topic.

"Year, Sam," Dean growled out in demand. If they were going to figure this hit out then he needed to know. Maybe, just maybe he had a chance to say _yes_ before Sam did.

"2008. Dean, what…" before Sam can finish speaking, Dean and Cas swiftly pull themselves up and stare at each other, exchanging a wordless conversation that Sam knows he can't follow.

As they start to glare at each other the words start to flow.

"Cas…"

"Dean. _No_."

Dean scowls. "It's my _choice_."

Cas scowls in return. "Are you sure it's the _right one_ , oh Fearless Leader? I joined you out of _**my**_ free will, I fought with you, I have sacrificed _**everything**_ for you, are you really so sure this is the path you want to go down?"

"No, but it seems like the best chance," Dean muttered.

"Guys…"

"Stay out of it, Sam" they said in sync.

"I just want you to be sure, Dean. I may not be as I once was, but I do know the difference between what is and what was and right now we have the chance to do something different. _Are you sure this is what you want to do?_ "

"Cas…I just…I don't see any other way," Dean admitted.

"Give it some time. We have that now. We'll find something and if we don't…then we'll take drastic measures but until then I'm not letting you give up. You didn't let me so I won't let you. Not until the end."

Sam had finally had enough. "One of you needs to start explaining, like now. I'm freaking out here. You guys are not acting like yourselves or talking like yourselves ."

Before they could open their mouths, there was a flash of light that filled the room.

A/N: Short chapter but like I said getting in the swing of things and I'm still working on chapters for my other stories…though those are significantly longer at the moment considering the time I've spent working on them.


	3. Chapter 3

I Saw The End Before It Began

A/N: Please read the note at the bottom.

Summary: At the end, Dean knew it was over. He was just waiting for Death. One that it seemed wouldn't come any time soon. EndVerse!Dean EndVerse!Cas

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural

Chapter 3: Renegade

"Hello there campers, welcome to 2008, the year all things are screwed to hell and your chance to do it right," Gabriel announced as the light cleared away from his dramatic entrance with some balloons, streamers, and confetti falling around as well.

"You…" Sam was at a loss for words. The Trickster wasn't known for being helpful; hell, he only ever did things to assholes he wanted to get their "just desserts" and hadn't run into them since Mystery Spot.

Cas cut in before Sam could say any more. "You…what are you doing here?"

"Wow, nice, way to make a guy feel all tingly," Gabriel responded sarcastically.

"You're not a trickster," Cas said certainly, he may not have much for angel powers, but he could still see enough to know the truth. "You are not human. You are not pagan or demon. Before we came here Lucifer revealed your origins to us. You have no reason to be here after what happened, assuming you even survived that time line."

"Well, that is a long story, not one we quite have time for," Gabriel responded.

"How about answering why the fuck you are here in this room right now?" Dean cut in.

"Now that is a tale," Gabriel smirked at him. "While you and your boy toy here were suiciding, I was gathering information on other ways to deal with the end of the world, seeing as I was turned away, weak and nearly killed for all my efforts. One of them wasn't too bad up until I died fighting Luci and in another your boy toy went postal, but all of them felt wrong so I dragged all of us here to see what end there can be without the alternatives. I like living thank you very much."

"Why shouldn't we just kill you?" Sam growled, aiming his gun at Gabriel. So what if Cas and Dean were being strange. It didn't matter. No, what mattered was killing this asshole for all the crap he put them through.

Dean and Cas stared at each other.

Dean quirked an eyebrow. _It's up to you, he's_ _ **your**_ _brother._

Cas tilted his head. _Really, Fearless leader? You're gonna make him_ _ **my**_ _responsibility?_

Dean grimaced. _It's your call, Cas. You think we can actually trust this douchebag?_

Cas frowned. Gabriel could be considered such given all the things they had gone through that may not have been necessary if Gabriel had done his own part, but on the other hand, he was actually trying. _Do we take the risk again?_

 _What risk?_ Dean frowned back.

Cas felt his eye twitch. _Not letting him help._

"Enough with the silent talk! Are either of you going to stop Samsquatch from _trying to_ _ **kill**_ _me_ here?" Gabriel asked sarcastically.

"He's not killing, just threatening," Dean dismissed as he quirked an eyebrow at Cas and shrugged. _Do you think we can trust him?_

Cas hesitated, but he nodded anyway. Gabriel had been the only archangel he really remembered before Anna's garrison had become his place. Gabriel had been the one to show him, Balthazar, and Samandriel the wonders of Earth and taught them about their father. Gabriel was His messenger and if Gabriel thought they had a chance to change things, maybe it was His will.

Dean sighed. "Enough, Sam. Whether we like it or not, we do need him. The seals are breaking faster than we can stop them and if we fail its game over for all of us."

Sam threw a bitchface at Dean. "How do you know that Dean? We show up here and you collapse, Cas appears out of nowhere, neither of you are acting like yourselves, and _he_ shows up in a near blinding flash of light like nothing and you expect me to believe that this is a good idea? How the hell do I even know you aren't possessed by something?"

Sam had progressively gotten redder as his voice grew louder and at the end Gabriel had expected him to throw his arms up in frustration. It was actually a pretty close call considering Sam stopped himself from actually just shooting him once he noticed the Trickster staring at him expectantly.

Gabriel frowned at Sam, slightly hurt, and, before anyone else could speak, asked "Is it really so hard to believe that I like humanity and don't want the world to end?"

Sam frowned in return. "Yeah actually, it is. I'm still not convinced all of you aren't out of your minds and in need of a mental hospital."

"That's offensive Sam. Real hurtful," Dean mocked. "Considering you…"

Cas put his hand on Dean's shoulder and shook his head. "He isn't _him_. We aren't _there_. Right now we have choices to make, Leader. Choices that could change everything about where we came from and what will happen. We can choose to alter the path we took."

Dean scowled. "What good would it do Cas? Look at us, a blood junkie, a high school dropout, a runaway renegade, and an angel who lost his wings. I give you Team Free Will 2.0."

Cas would have winced if he weren't so used to this Dean. This Dean hardened by war, who had lost more of himself and gave more of himself than he should have had to, this man who turned cold and could seem so heartless.

Sam gave Dean his patented bitchface number 37. The only that clearly said he'd stepped over some imaginary line and screwed things all to hell because he was being an inconsiderate ass. It was a bitchface Dean hadn't seen since before they split up to hunt alone, since before Sam said yes to the Devil and let Luci wear him to prom.

"You don't have to be a dick about things Dean," Sam snarled.

Dean snorted. "Don't act like you know what is going on. You weren't there. You don't have the first clue about what we're talking about. We're going to war and it's the four of us against Heaven, Hell, and pretty much every human law enforcement agency that exists. Our hunter contacts are so limited we may as well be on our own and even if Bobby helps, we'll probably get him and anyone else who tries killed."

"You don't know that Dean," Sam threw back, an angry flush on his face as Gabriel and Castiel watched the verbal sparring match with interest wondering just where Dean would take this conversation.

"You know what Sam? Yeah I do and so does Cas and apparently so does Gabe. You want to know how this ends? Lucifer walks the earth, the angels are going to leave humanity to die, and the humans will be killed in droves until the only ones who are left would rather be dead," Dean snarled, grabbing the front of his brother's shirt and shoving him into a wall. "It ends with a suicide run that Cas and I never should have survived and you long dead."

Pushing himself away from his brother, Dean stormed out of the motel room and went for a walk. He wasn't about to drive Baby no matter how much he missed her. It had been years and honestly he just wanted to be as far away from his well-meaning little brother as possible.

"That could have gone better," Gabriel said, sucking on a lollipop as he made himself comfortable on the couch and Sam sighed.

"I think we need to call Bobby."

A/N: This chapter did not come out how I thought it would. It was supposed to start with an injured Gabriel appearing in that flash of light…but he decided not to cooperate and be more like…well, him. At any rate, some of you may or may not know but I am pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice and recently have been looking for more volunteer opportunities. I would really like to volunteer for the SPN Crisis Support Network, but I'm going to have to ask for donations since I don't have $250 to spend on the training. I wish I did, believe me, but I can barely scrape together $190 for my classes each month to pay. Just to let you guys know this story is also on the poll for whatever story is going to be worked on exclusively after I finish A Thousand Reasons along with my other works, though anyone who has read my works know they are primarily Hetalia fics. I may update this one sporadically while I work on the others anyway, because this story has a lot of ideas that just bounce around in my head. Thanks for hearing me out, PM if you would like to donate or go to the IMAlive website to learn more about the volunteer opportunities.


	4. Chapter 4

I Saw The End Before It Began

Summary: At the end, Dean knew it was over. He was just waiting for Death. One that it seemed wouldn't come any time soon. EndVerse!Dean EndVerse!Cas

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural

Chapter 4: Midnight Starlight

Dean couldn't think. He couldn't be around Sam or Cas or Gabe. It was too much, this second chance. It could either be one of those things for the better or would give them just enough rope to hang themselves and make things worse this go around.

More importantly… _they had survived_.

What was he supposed to do with that?

One last run, that's what it was supposed to be. A suicide mission that would either end with all of them dead or with Lucifer and most of them, including Dean dead. He wasn't meant to survive…he wasn't meant to live.

It's something he doesn't know how to do anymore. He still felt like he was waiting, but the future seems dark and right now the people everywhere are making noise and he can't think, he doesn't know. What could he be waiting for?

It's slowly killing him, the overwhelming loneliness that had seeped into his soul. He's lost and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to make this right, to turn it around, and if God had a hand in this, in letting Gabe do this as His messenger, He could have at least told them how.

Then again that would go against everything they had done before. Team Free Will. What a joke.

Dean snorted a laugh. It isn't funny. It's not. It hurts, his chest feels like its burning and this is the first bit of proof he is human and still has some semblance of emotion.

He can feel the burn of tears as he's choking back everything that's happened in less than 24 hours. It hasn't been worth it. None of it has.

He kept walking past the city limits, where he reached a vast are of nothing but trees and grass. It's almost like the place he came from. Almost like the camp that they had lived in for the past few years. He could almost relate it to a feeling of home, but then again he never really knew what that was either. His home had been the impala, but even Baby hadn't been the same once Sam was gone. He sighed as he leaned himself against it.

In the camp, they had said the cities used to be filled with life, but all he could see were hollow structures. The buildings looked so cold to him, looking down on him. Every person has a story, Dean wishes his wasn't so tragic.

"What do you want? I don't understand what more I can do. You chose the wrong person," Dean said the words aloud. He didn't know who he was talking to. Maybe it was for Cas. Maybe it was to God, the reason he even knew Cas. Maybe it was to his father who had thought he could shoulder every responsibility he was given.

He was weak. He didn't deserve their faith at all…but they gave it to him anyway. He wasn't worth that. He had never deserved to be saved.

"I wish you were here mom. Maybe you would help me, because I don't know a damn thing," Dean sighed. "I don't know what I'm doing here."

He stayed sitting, his back against the tree. His head resting as he stared heavenward. He hoped for answers. Something he wouldn't get, something he knew was far from his grasp.

"Pretty far walk, Fearless Leader."

Dean snorted, not even bothering to move or turn his head. "You'd know Cas."

"I would. Is it really so bad?"

So bad that Cas knew him so well? So bad that they're back in the past after surviving something they shouldn't have? There were a lot of questions Cas could have meant.

"I don't know." He didn't. He wished he had answers enough for both of them. He wondered if Cas has his grace back or if he was still running on empty now that they were in the past. Cas could leave. If they do things right he'd be alone again. Sam would be gone, Cas would be gone, Gabe was only going to stick around long enough to stay alive…the loneliness would kill him, he'd let it.

"All these years," Cas said as he dropped down beside Dean, "and you still don't think you deserve to be saved."

Dean had heard those words from Cas plenty of times before, but this time something in him snapped. "No, Cas, I don't. I've screwed up every job I've ever had. Protect Sammy, he died and I sold my soul to make that right. Stop the seals from breaking, we started the Apacolypse. End the Apacolypse, I was so stubborn against saying yes that when I was finally ready to agree no one answered because there was nothing left worth saving. Not you, not me, and clearly that was God's answer because he never did anything."

"He's doing something now Dean. We have a chance to make this right, to stop this before it begins, to stop things from going the way they did for us and maybe this time we'll save more people than we condemn."

"I don't get you Cas. I don't understand how you can still have faith in the man. I don't understand how you can believe in someone who let you fall and become what you are for trying to help."

Cas looked at Dean for a moment and then returned his gaze to the sky as well. "If I don't have faith, I don't have anything."

The silence that followed was thick. Dean wanted to say Cas had him, but it would be a lie and they would both know it, just like Cas would never stay with Dean, which is why Dean never asked. That and Dean was afraid of the answer. He was just sick of being alone, sick of wanting things he couldn't have. Sick of waiting for an ending and coming right back where he started where he can't give up because people are _relying_ on him again and _how the hell did that happen_?

They stayed silent. Dean really couldn't think of what to say. What do you say to someone who has stayed with you through everything? Sure, life had gotten to Castiel, but he still kept something of himself. Dean couldn't say the same. He lost everything and Cas couldn't fill that void, he wouldn't let Cas try. He was still waiting after all.

Even if he didn't know for what. Or for who.

*Back with Sam and Gabe*

"You really think they're okay?" Sam asked, still slightly put off having the trickster in the motel room.

"They'll be fine. They need to work things out," Gabe responded still relaxed on the couch.

Sam stared curiously. "So…Gabe?"

"Yup."

"As in Gabriel? The Archangel? The messenger? That Gabriel?"

"Bingo."

Sam snorted. "You don't come off as very angel-y."

"I'm a warrior. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a miracle can be beautiful, but I'm judgment, I give people what they deserve?" Gabe said.

"Can you explain it to me, what happened?" Sam asked.

"Hell on earth Sammy boy, hell on earth," Gabe responded.

"That doesn't clarify anything."

"Weren't you going to call Singer?" Gabe deflected.

Sam sighed. "I don't know what to say. I don't know where to begin with this situation."

Gabe rolled his eyes. "I swear you two chuckleheads need more help than most humans. Just say a situation has come up and Dean needs him."

"You think that'll work?"

"Of course it will, that man was more your father than your father was, but Dean and Cas just got here to a time where things are relatively okay, minus the seals breaking, and they need help remembering."

"Remembering what?"

"Who they were, what they lost, what they're fighting for, why they're living and fighting, those big life altering questions most people don't have to ask."

"That they do?"

"Samsquatch, you learn a lot when you have been alive as long as I have, one of those things is you can't stop a determined suicide, you can be there, help, offer comfort, and show them what is out there, but unless you can change something by proving a point about life, a person determined to die will find a way to do it."

"You're saying Dean wants to die?"

"I'm saying Dean and Cas don't know what they want. I'm saying they're lost and need to figure things out. I'm telling you that if we don't change anything, they're on a one way street to becoming more of who they are now rather than healing and becoming who they were and should be."

Sam shook his head. "You don't make sense Gabriel."

"It's my charm." Gabe responded with a wink.


	5. Chapter 5

I Saw The End Before It Began

Summary: At the end, Dean knew it was over. He was just waiting for Death. One that it seemed wouldn't come any time soon. EndVerse!Dean EndVerse!Cas

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural

Chapter 5: Keep Holding On

*With Cas and Dean*

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?"

"You think if we hold on long enough we'll actually get through this?"

Dean paused. He didn't want to lie to Cas, because even if he did, Cas would know. He honestly didn't know what the truth was either. "I don't know. We have each other and we have Sam and Gabe. I don't even know if we'll be enough. Even when we had the camp, we were screwed and that was as close to building a sort of family either of us got."

"Okay."

Dean didn't want to know what Cas meant with that. Okay, he would pray and hope for the best. Okay, he can live with it as long as they're together…okay, they could do it if they tried hard enough…he shook his head. He really didn't want the answer. He certainly wasn't good enough, no matter how much faith Cas put in him or how long the other followed his lead. Dean didn't deserve that kind of loyalty. As far as he was concerned neither did Cas' Father.

Cas glared at Dean as if sensing his train of thought.

Dean shivered. "We should head back."

*With Sam and Gabe*

"Bobby?"

"Sam? What are ya doin' callin' me at this hour? You two idjits get in over yer heads again?"

Sam blinked before looking at the clock. It was only one in the morning in South Dakota. Oops.

"Sorry, Bobby," Sam apologized. "Something happened and I don't know how to explain it. I was kind of hoping you'd come? It's about Dean…"

"Yeah, alright," Bobby cut him off before he could say more. "I'll head out after some coffee. Make sure that bonehead brother of yours don't cause any more trouble before I get there, idjit."

Before Sam could interject and tell Bobby he didn't need to rush and it could wait until he had gotten more sleep, the line disconnected. Sam put his forehead in his hands and rubbed gentle circles over his eyes. This was a headache and a half already and he could already tell this would be getting worse before it looked like it was going to get any better.

Gabe whistled. "That's some loyalty your brother inspires. You two muttonheads could run that poor man ragged and from the sound of it he'd be fine with dying as long as it was for you two."

Sam glared. He opened his mouth to say something, closed it, and got up and grabbed a beer. Finally, Sam muttered, "You and they aren't inspiring confidence in me about any of this."

Gabriel shrugged. "I don't really think we're meant to."

"Then what good are you," Sam shouted, throwing the beer bottle across the room. He didn't hear the bottle shatter or see Gabriel's slight flinch. "What good are you, future Dean, and future Cas? You show up saying everything was fucked sideways and this is a chance for some magical karmic do over to make things better, but none of you even know what you are doing and I'm the odd one out. Whatever new dynamic you guys end up creating, you don't need me…you don't need me."

All at once Sam's anger was lost in the sea of conflicting emotions that had been threatening to overtake him. Dean was not _his_ Dean. That wasn't the brother he grew up with and knew so well they could trade glances and signals at the drop of the hat to protect each other. That wasn't the brother who he had been trying to help the past few months, whom he had been lying to and getting lied to in return, but most importantly that wasn't the brother he had been trying to save.

That Dean was a man who spent years without him in a different sort of hell that could apparently exist on earth. That Dean was a man who was cold and hard, giving Sam the chills with the glacial look he seemed to direct his way.

That wasn't _Sam's_ Dean. He had gotten his brother back only to lose him all over again. Worse still, this Dean had Cas, and now they had Gabe. What good was Sam in all this? Where did he stand?

"Hey," Gabriel called softly. "I get it…no, no, I really do," he said before Sam could interrupt. "You have to realize that while angel's are pretty much dicks now, they hadn't always been. Lucifer may have been upfront on his views of humans but he was far from the only angel who had thought that way. Why should your race be the favorite? Were not we angels created in Father's likeness, we who worshiped and loved Him, good enough? Why did he leave so soon after creating your kind, leaving us with orders to love your race as we love Him, when we were created solely for the purpose of doing His will."

Sam stared at Gabriel intently, Gabriel now sitting next to him on the couch where he had sat down after the anger had drained from him. This was something he could only guess at, the history of angels from an angel's point of view.

"Lucifer was the most beautiful of us all…and the most faithful," Gabriel admitted. "It's likely that that particular title now falls to Cas, but it remains that Lucifer loved Father more than anyone and anything and when Michael was told to punish Lucifer, it was more than a little unfair. You humans were given free will. You could choose to love Father, you could choose how you wish to live your lives, you choose to fall in love and make families, and sometimes you choose your family. You have to understand we angels don't really change, for a long time I didn't think I had a choice. We worship and love and do as Dad commanded, so why should you have the choice whether or not to believe in Father? The way Lucifer saw it, he created your kind and you ruined what he believed was Dad's greatest creation. When I decided to leave and become Loki it wasn't a conscious one. I became a pagan because it was the last place an angel would think to look for an angel trying to hide. That choice was frightening; I was terrified Father would punish me as well. I spent much of that time waiting to be punished. I was punished in other ways, Odin could be creative when he wanted, but that was nothing compared to what Father could have done."

"If you were so afraid then why did you leave?" Sam pressed, curious as to the true reason.

"It was a choice I think you could understand, it was between leaving my family or staying and watching my family tear itself apart by killing one another. Michael and Lucifer tried to make me choose a side, between the brothers I loved, the strongest and most beloved, the one who was practical and the one who taught me everything I even needed to know from flying to pranks," Gabriel said softly. "They're my brothers and I love them…but they were hurting me. In some ways I think Dean would better understand what it means to be torn between family, but you were the one who made the decision much like I did, leaving with a fight."

Sam pressed his lips together. He wanted to vehemently deny the words Gabriel was saying to him, deny being similar in any way. He wasn't a coward; he had just wanted peace, to stop fighting and be safe, for once to feel normal, like he fit in somewhere. He wanted to tell the archangel he was wrong…but in some ways he was more than right. Sam had left.

"It's not cowardice, Sam," Gabe said knowingly, his lips curled into an amused smirk as Sam flushed red from embarrassment. "The fighting would not have stopped if I had stayed. The choice would have killed me and I'd have always wondered what if I'd done something different. By that time Dad was gone a while, he had stopped talking, and what use was I? I'm His _messenger_ , what good is a messenger without a message? I think Father was disappointed actually. Disappointed in what we were doing, disappointed that Michael had been so harsh, almost cruel to Lucifer. In some ways we were all wrong and I think that's what made Dad stay away."

"Personally, I thought it had a little to do with him finally giving us free will as well," Cas casually input from where he was leaning against the door, Dean peering around him curiously.

Gabriel snorted. "If that's what Dad leaving meant, it was far too late for the majority of our siblings. Free will has a price, Cas. You've paid it once already."

"So have you," Cas said, pulling out a cigarette, making Dean groan.

"Cas." Dean stared hard at the man. He really didn't want to start up with the addictions again.

"Dean," Cas returned. It was his choice and he would do it, he needed it to ground him, to give him something familiar. For all he appeared to be fine and adjusted, he very well wasn't.

Dean sighed. "Fine, but outside please."

Cas nodded and went to the railing outside the motel room door.

"What does that mean, that you paid the price?" Sam asked, it was hesitant, because really, he wasn't sure he wanted to know. What would be the price of free will for an angel?

"Come on Sammy, think about it, I know you're smart, but shit man you don't just ask something like that," Dean stated, sighing wearily. "Besides, isn't it obvious?"

Gabriel could see that Sam didn't, not in the way he did and certainly not to the same extent Dean did. It just didn't fit with his perception of what Heaven should be and Gabe could see both the innocence in him that Dean had tried to protect and how it had led to everything going to Hell. Gabriel shook his head. No wonder the Winchester idiots could get into so much trouble.

When Cas finally came back in he deemed the tense atmosphere irrelevant and stated, "Family."

"What?" Sam queried, thrown by the non sequitur.

"The answer," Cas said casually. "The price we pay as angels for free will. We lose our family. We lose faith in that family. We either leave them or we get cut off by them for being different, for choosing something different. In most cases, they kill us by claiming we've 'fallen from Grace' which is ironic since it would be Father who punishes us not our siblings. Angels were not meant for change, not like humans. You advance every few years, for angels, centuries can pass and nothing will change. For an angel, curiosity is a sin, an unforgivable one at that. Angels don't always understand that guidance and love are different from strict orders and an absolute will. Questions and doubts do not have a place and if you have them you are insubordinate."

Sam looked between Gabriel and Cas disbelieving.

Cas snorted. "You can't be quite so surprised, Sam. Is not the price you paid when you left to Stanford the same? You made a choice, made a bid for your own freedom away from the absolute will and rules of your father, and paid for that choice by leaving the brother and only person you've ever truly thought of as family. As an angel my choices are generally to follow Father's will or have free will. You cannot truly have both. My free will and my knowledge of what came from the Apocalypse tell me that my siblings are wrong and that I still do Father's will, even if I myself cannot see it."

Cas stared at Dean as he said the last sentence and Dean stared right back. Cas' damn unshakable faith in a man who he had never even met and hadn't helped at all with the Apocalypse was annoying.

"He brought us back," Cas said, practically reading Dean's thought.

Dean's stare narrowed into a glare at Cas. _Quit reading me_.

Cas raised an eyebrow. _Right…because it's really_ _ **optional**_ _, oh fearless leader_.

Dean huffed. He couldn't really argue that. The years they had spent together only seemed to make whatever bond they had stronger. It lay between them unacknowledged.

"You two have got to stop with the silent communication," Sam complained.

Gabriel nodded in agreement. "It's going to get real old, real fast."

Dean smirked, some of his old personality shining through in the presence of _his_ Sam. "You're just jealous I have Cas for an angel and you get short stuff."

Gabriel and Sam both shot Dean mutinous glares.

"So what did you do while Cas and I were gone?" Dean asked, changing the subject.

"Long awkward silence, talk, call Bobby, talk some more and then you two showed up," Gabriel said, snapping a lollipop into existence. He had seriously missed sugar and candy. Grace made candy just wasn't the same once he got low on power from everything that went down. Luci hunting him down and trying to kill him hadn't really been in the grand plan either.

"Bobby?" Dean asked, his tone almost hopeful. Chuck had been awesome in the long run, even if he was a nosy prophet, but Dean always valued Bobby's advice.

"Yeah," Sam answered, looking at Dean strangely.

Cas shrugged. "There is much you do not know Sam. We cannot explain everything, but this time…well at least this time we may have more help than before and we won't be going into this blindly. You have to understand, where we were? That was a literal Hell on Earth and we are struggling to cope with the circumstances, even if none of us are actively showing signs of problems being thrust back in time. We are each barely holding on to anything of consequence and the time will come when it all blows up in our faces. I have no idea what might happen or what might be done to prevent such a thing, but the point here is that we have to keep holding on or we may yet lose everything all over again."

Sam nodded. That was a point he could concede. It was something he was kind of anticipating as well. However or whenever it ended, it would end badly.

A/N: So…Gabe doesn't cooperate, like ever, when I try to write him. The last chapter felt really rushed to me, but I had no control at all once I put it in the hands of the characters and let them take over. For reference, I am carefully taking any scenes I choose not to use and putting them into a chapter labeled outtakes or bloopers for the end of this story.

Side note, yes it has been a few months…they were busy months and I've been a bit out of sorts. As in I may have been sick the past couple of months with supreme lethargy, temperature issues, runny nose, headaches, etc. It was annoying and I hope you all have been better off than me.


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